I want to be more comfortable with my own thoughts and my own voice. And thrice so when both is shared out loud. My hesitations undermine my own efforts to get at my goals. I don't know why I am this way and I'm not so sure I know how to change that part of me. I have decided to lead an unconventional life, I must understand the risks and accept that there will be moments in time where I will be left to wander in the dark. My belief is that any traditional route that guarantees an expected outcome or reward is dangerous and in fact offers no more protection from discontent than any other way of life. This false sense of security that these lifestyles promises is founded on the assumption that things are stagnant -- and the only thing that is ever constant is change.

In fact, it was so much more believable when I was merely psyching myself to get the job and to get to Europe.

It's only going to be 2 - 3 weeks until I move into a city, country and continent I've never set foot on.

 

There's not too much to say as to whether I'm "ready"; I think mentally I've been ready for a very long time, to the point that I am almost tired of waiting for it.

I haven't yet packed a single item--not knowing quite where to start.

 

I wish my mom wasn't sick; it added to the guilt and pressure I felt inside of leaving this household. It's no surprise, but I know I would never believe that depending on my brother to take care of her was a viable option. I am hoping it's nothing serious and that it will pass. That day when my mom woke me up in the middle of the night and I was scrambling to get her dressed (without worsening her pain) and trying to stay calm while I frantically searched for her CareCard gave me a bit of a scare. Even after the trip to the ER concluded, I didn't really feel at ease. While I think I can separate the two incident in my mind, who knows, maybe I'm extra sensitive because my dad's death is still fresh in my mind. We're still waiting around for the doctors to get back to us--and I keep pushing my mom to be proactive and to ask them instead of waiting but for whatever reason, she seems hesitant to do so. I don't want to find out after I am (at a minimum) a 15-flight hours away to discover that she really needs me. I know she has family and friends as a support group here, but... it's different.

 

Something I realized the other night---how when I was younger I rarely felt guilt. Back then guilt was just something you felt if you did something wrong. And as a youngster, I was inclined to "stick to the rules"--so I rarely felt guilt.

 

Now that I am older, I think I've experienced and learned a different kind of guilt--the one where it's not because you did something wrong, but merely in your choices, the outcome is less than desirable for others. And maybe there were no good choices or options to begin with--and regardless of what you chose, someone would be unhappy.

 

I don't know. I've discussed this to friends and family--and even with my current manager. That was in the context of just leaving my mom in general--she only became sick recently. While their words have made me felt a bit better, I haven't been able to shake this feeling.

 

I feel like this move to UK makes a lot of sense in the long run. And even in the short run there is lots of good to come out of this. I guess not everything can be perfect, but I wish I could step forward with 110% confidence. Is this what they mean when they say that one can never truly ever be ready and that you just got to dive in head first and see what happens? Maybe I am not too use to that.

Years ago, maybe in my pre-teens or early teenage years, my eldest aunt said to me that my cautious nature meant that I would often produce good quality work because I would be careful and pay attention to all the small details. She also warned me that this also meant that my reserved and maybe passive nature would cost me my opportunities. So here I am grabbing onto it with all my might--please please please let this be right.