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| but it's still there
the smell of burning incense
in my hair
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| My current Facebook status:
Love her cause she`s real. And I don't mean 'real' as in the opposite of 'fake', i mean 'real' as in 'not hiding yourself'. And it`s funny cause lately I realize that part of being real means releasing your fear of showing people who you are, pushing aside any judgmental thoughts you think others will have on you... and that it takes a lot of time and practice for this to happen. (I can type this out, but I'll still have trouble doing it--but now i understand that that's perfectly normal). Already I'm wondering whether what I just said sounds too cliche for people--but these are honest and genuine revelations that I am having while I am (still) feeling out and adapting to the current chapter of my life (post-student).
I can't tell you the number of times I typed out a new status for facebook, only to delete it before publishing after deciding I had to be more "careful".
Already I am dancing around, and being careful about my words. By "current chapter of my life", I mean, for the most part, my work life.
I can talk about it here, even though theoretically it is just as easy for people at work to find my xanga. Just a minute ago I was about to type out my justification for what I am saying, worrying so much that someone, anyone, would misconstrue my words or take offense. Trying to be super clear that this does not mean that I am not up to speed at work or that I am not comfortable with my work environment but rather, I, like everyone else who is working alongside with me right now, am learning lots. And this not only includes the technical aspects of my job, but about being a worker in her first job.
Oh damn. I just did it. This is why my brain blows up.
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| so this summer, i tried to get back into dance again
took a street jazz class--and was surprised to find my very first dance teacher! (not counting the baby years when my mom sent me to those chinese folk dance classes).
i was really surprised but very happy to see her!
she really made me feel very good. all that dancing fixed up all the havoc i've wreaked on my body for months.
it was twice a week but only for the month so it ended pretty quickly.
I took pilates while i was at it too. My first time trying it--but I can't say I love it...
any how, yeah, i could really feel the difference in my body.
and i felt the difference again now that it ended a month ago... (in a not good way).
so i've been highlighting and circling the burnaby leisure guide going back and forth between schedules for those classes and at harbour, the drive (never tried it), and iDance (crazy good location for me, but unfortunately, not much class selections).
i think i've finally hammered out my fall/winter schedule now, so I am hoping I stick to it.
Although drop-in classes provide flexibility in terms of scheduling, I think it doesn't work as well in that I am more prone to 'skip' classes. And I like continuous classes cause you build more on the choreography you're working on, and getting better at the stuff you learned weeks before.
as you all know from my past entries, i think a lot during dance classes, and no doubt, it's going to be the same again. maybe if anything at all, i'm more self-conscious than ever, but also more knowledgable about how to over come that (but, convincing myself to do that is still not easy).
it's a bad bad thing to do as a dancer, but i rather stare at the teacher or at the "Class Star" (ie. another student who's got the moves down pat) than at myself during the mirror. I feel so self-conscious looking at myself. I paid attention to that this time... I remember what this teacher said years ago, about how you must, must, MUST look at yourself--otherwise you don't know what you're doing wrong. I won't kid you, it was painful to watch. My feelings of awkwardness often showed itself heavily in my movements.
I'll get better... I tell myself.
I must remember, how great i was feeling, compared to all those other months where I did nothing.
Cannot
let
myself
sink
back
to
that
again.
I gotta get back on the train... I've got places to go...
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....
fools.
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